Friday

 

 

Friday

     This thing is really getting to me! Today I found a little red bird that I think is called a finch. He was there with his head tucked up under his wing sitting at the bottom of the plant Mama calls wisteria. I picked him up and he kept trying to fly away only to land on the ground again. I put him in a box with sunflower seeds and water and after a few hours he died. I got so upset when I buried him that I actually cried. He was cute but I did not know him for very long so it did not make sense, me being so sad.

     I have had a lot of practice being sad in my life. First there were all the problems I have with having seizures and everything. No one wants to hang out with me because I have an aid with me all the time. Also I might have a seizure. When I was younger I used to barf just before my seizure started and that was gross for everyone. Once I threw up at my choir practice and although the teacher Ms. Serena was really nice about it and got all the kids to help me I could tell that no one wanted to stand too close to me after that. Just in case.     

     Then my dad and I took a trip to go on a cruise ship near the Bahamas. It was going to be great. Unfortunately I was really tired from travelling and not sleeping enough and so I had a couple of small seizures when I got on the boat. Then they tried to charge my dad to have the doctor on the ship examine me and when we did not want to do that because I just needed to rest, they made us get off the boat. That was awful. Dad and I were so sad because we had looked forward to that trip for so long. I hate cruise ships now. Also the doctor was not very nice.

     Plus my dad had an accident in his workshop and tripped over an extension cord. Mama and I didn't know--- we were watching a movie in the house. When Dad came to, his head was all bloody and his body felt weird and tingly but he was able to press the last call button on his cell phone with a sharpie in his mouth and he called his friend Jerry. Jerry had just gotten off a plane but he called us and we called the ambulance. I am pretty sure that Jerry saved his life.  Dad has really not been the same since that time but he's one of those old guys that pushes himself really hard so you would almost never know that he almost died maybe.

      Also my cousin was killed in a motorcycle accident and that was horrible for everyone. He did not live near us but he was super, super smart and he was going to probably change the world. But he did not get to, on account of dying and everything. My mum and dad and all of us are still sad about that and probably always will be. I believe in God and heaven and I know that Jordan will be there. I will be happy to see him again.

     And then there are all the dead babies. Or all the babies that did not get to be babies because they died before they were born. Thinking about them makes me really sad for Mama and Dad. Mama says it's  a loss that does not get recognized a great deal. She says that a lot of ladies have miscarriages but that people try not to talk about them because they do not know what to say. Another thing that happens is called SIDS. That's what happened to Grandma's baby, my dad's sister. She died when she was about three months old and no one knows why. Dad has a photograph of the little white coffin that is heartbreaking. At least that's what Mama said. That means that it's so sad that it hurts in your chest. I get that.

     I know it's crazy but I am too scared to call the police in case it gets Dad in trouble. If they took him away then who would I live with? Also I know that my dad would never hurt my mum but things like that have happened before. All those Netflix shows about weirdos like Dirty John and stuff like that. You just never know. Maybe I watch too many scary tv shows. Dad seems so cool about everything that it must be alright. I just miss her and wish that I could talk to her. Why doesn’t she call me? That’s what scares me the most….the silence.